I filmed this back in 2021. I'm only just ready to share it now.
At the time, I felt generally nothing. Numb — but at the same time, my brain was so loud I couldn't think straight. The noise. The consistent, overwhelming noise. I couldn't stay still. And in a small space like a campervan, when your head is that loud, it makes everything worse.
So I decided to do something I'd never done before.
Why Spain
A group of people had decided to do something different that winter — head to Benidorm, Spain. I'd never been. I'd never driven through multiple countries by myself. I'd never done the Euro Tunnel alone, never had to figure out foreign fuel stations, or find somewhere safe to sleep as a solo female van lifer.
But I felt numb. And I needed something different. Knowing I'd see familiar faces at the end mattered more than I realised at the time.
Hills everywhere — and in the state I was in, it felt so daunting
People kept asking: are you mad? Will you be safe?
And honestly, those questions felt very real inside my head. All the doubts, all the noise — it was there every mile.
But something shifted.
Mile after mile. Through the sunflower fields, through the lemon fields, the different smells. And somewhere in those moments I started to see glimpses of myself again. Just hints. Sparks. Every time I figured something out — found a safer parking spot, solved a problem, navigated something I'd never navigated before — I started to trust myself a little more.
The first time I'd laughed in weeks
I didn't feel healed. Far from it.
But I felt steadier. The noise started to lessen. I still carried everything — all those memories, that past. But I started to see what life could look like without starting from scratch. And the views helped. The views really helped.
I had no real plan. Barely any money. I was terrified.
But this was the beginning of something. And there's a lot more of this story still to tell.
Watch the full video on YouTube.
